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Having or not having children getting or not getting married should be a matter of choice. I'm a libertarian, I want people to be happy the way they prefer to be. Including myself. And for me having children around is inconsistent with feeling happy.
See, I am simply enjoying my freedom. I love doing what I love doing at the time when I am feeling like it. And you can't really do that any more after you've got yourself a little person to care about.
Of course, some parents don't let their children come in the way and feel perfectly righteous limiting their duties to feeding and closing their offsprings, thus, growing more future clients for psychologists, but feeling like they're heroes no less. But those are the parents to whom I'd really advise to have an abortion.
Yes, I realize world is not perfect and probably never will be. People who should never have children will continue breeding and messing up their kids. Unfortunately, this is one of the many flaws in this unintelligently designed world. Women become pregnant not when they choose to become mothers out of their own free will, but by mere chance. Some get pregnant after being raped. Nothing intelligent about that. Only sick and cruel to both a woman and an unborn child.
I do sympathize with those who had an unwanted kid and was never able to love them, and I sympathize with children being born to parents who never wanted them.
And I am happy for those who are happy being parents. Some people were really meant to be parents. Not all though. There is no research to see what percentage of people truly enjoy parenting, and how many simply play a role for the society and themselves. Admitting to yourself and others that you'd rather be without kids isn't easy. All the pressure, all the judgement. People hide all sorts of socially unacceptable thoughts and desires from themselves just as good and just as often as they do from others.
Reason 1. Freedom
For me, there is so much more to life than bringing up kids. Imagine, just this moment, had I had kids, I'd probably be somewhere in a house full of noises, doing something for them, instead of peacefully writing this blog, listening to the birds singing outside, which I thoroughly enjoy. Having no kids right now, I am free to choose whatever I want whenever I want. Travelling, hanging out with friends, gardening, writing a blog, creating new web projects, hey, even coming home late with a new man. I dreamt of freedom all my teenage years, why would I want to give it away now that I finally have it? Financially independent, good-looking, healthy. Why spanding half a day on washing, coocking, playing with a baby and seeing that he or she is not in any danger? What kind of entertainment is that?
Sure, babies are cute, but I prefer flowers. They are cute and quiet. And demanding much less of a care.
Freedom for me means following my dreams, my wishes, my impulses. That means being myself. Doing what I want is living for me. And as soon as I live I'm going to do just that. I'm going to live my life, the way I see it, not the way someone else deems appropriate or right.
I've been lucky enough to be born in the age when women are no longer enslaved and forced into playing one and the same role of mothers. I'm going to use this opportunity and leave the 'wonders' of motherhood to those who want them.
Reason 2. Unborn kids don't suffer
See, I don't think of this world as best of the worlds, the wonderous, the amazing etc. Lost my rose-colored glasses along the way. So I just don't think it is fare to impose life on anyone else since I myself would prefer not to exist.
I think this world needs a serious makeover before it can qualify as wonderful. The only way to be happy in this world is to learn to turn a blind eye on all the miseries around. As long as one can ignore the horrors and concentrate on good stuff - he is going to be fine. Now, that's not what I would want to teach my kids, because it's not who I am and I'd be a hypocrit to preach something I myself find difficult to practice.
Imagine my kid asking me 'why do tigers pray on gazelles and eat them'. The politically correct answer would be something like 'nature is wise, this is a way of keeping a balance of species population'. The answer that I'd really want to give is 'because this world is cruel and it sucks, but we have to pretend it is wise and amazing to keep enjoying our lives'.
I'd rather someone else be lying to their kids about the beauty of this place. I really hate lying.
Every time a see a miserable person: a cripple, a drunken hobo, a sick old woman struggling to make another step, I am thinking to myself 'this person was once someone baby. A cute little thing that parents were holding in their hands probably feeling happy, maybe even thiking they had given 'a gift of life' to someone. Now, was it a gift or rather a curse that they actually gave'?
Some parents like to take credit when their kid becomes successful and happy in life, then they are glad to point out their role in making it possible, but whenever the child's life turns out to be miserable, it's never their fault.
So, you see, it's only natural for me not to want to give life to any more people as I don't see this life as a gift.
Reason 3. Children should not be an insurance
Oftentimes we hear 'you'll regret it, when you get old and become lonely'. So one should have kids as a way of insurance against loneliness? I happen to think that if someone is lonely, they shouldn't create another person and expect him or her to be near till the end. Children are living beings, they are future adults with their own dreams, and they shouldn't be viewed as someone owing a great deal to their parents for bringing them into this world. If you're lonely - buy a dog. Don't be a burden to your children.
A few words about social norms
Even though modern society has evolved to be pretty liberal, there still seems to be some tension whenever a person does not follow the generally accepted paterns of behavior.
People have always been afraid of unknown. Actually, people have always been afraid. Of freedom, especially. Of breaking the rules, and even more - of not knowing the rules, not having directions given to them. Of social disapproval, of condemnation.
Most people, 'normal people', people who always follow the rules, they never actually start living. They fulfil a scenario put out for them by someone else. They marry because it's time to, they have kids because everybody says you should, they divorce because one day the passion is over and the house of cards falls apart, they teach their kids to pursue the same basic life plan because they don't see any alternatives.
Most people are afraid to let go. To let things be, to let life be unpredictable as it in fact always is, even when we think we've surrounded ourselves by certainty.
I don't even argue with people who express hostility towards those who choose to live their lives differently. Those who are hostile to gays or childfree people have some issues they need to work on. Well, basically aggression to gays as a class often means a hidden desire to be one of them. Same goes for childfree. Anyone strongly hating someone else solely for the fact that that person has chosen not to have children points to an ousted desire to be childfree. When people do not allow themselves to be something or behave in a particular way even though they strongly want to, the desire turns into aggression towards all those who have what they've always wanted for themselves.
So when some seemingly happy mom starts showing hostility towards her unmarried, childless friends, condemning the fact that they are leading an 'immoral' life or something of the kind, I know the poor woman really wants to be on their place.
When someone is really happy where they are, they don't care what other people do with their lives. They live and let live.
That's what I'm doing.
Not trying to convince anybody to do this or that, only that we should be true to ourselves when making life-changing decisions.
More posts from this category: Non-human animals in captivity and in the wildGood people doing bad things
Irina |
01-04-2011
Thanks for a guest post in my blog disguised as a comment Hey, ur not that bad of a writer, it's just the matter of self-esteem. Many people write just as good as you and they think they have a talent! I mean, look at me for example! And about the 'hahaha's - that's long been my habit, too, but I limited it to chat conversations and emails. Here I just use these: Oh and if you're not successful fighting your haha habit, theres always an option of writing a script that will filter these words out for you. See? That's why I love programming!)) Now as to erasing. That'd hurt. U know how they say 'every child is special'? So is every comment! No, Im kidding, but comments do help good rankings in search engines, it's a topical textual content that someone adds to your site for free! And to remove it?? Gotta be a really good reason, or a really lousy comment. Of course, freedom is not limitless. When it intrudes on another person's, it should end. Thanks for all the compliments, btw. Got the impression of you as a bit too shy and polite person. But that's ok if you like it this way.) |
Isolde
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01-04-2011
I specially identify with "unborn kids don't suffer". It is really difficult for me to walk down the street and not feel contempt towards so many people.
Especially in the western world where so many have this sense of entitlement. How do babies get to be such selfish human beings? How? If, in theory, parents only have love to give. Of course, not all adults are bad, but for me every step I take in a crowded street is reminder of how, no matter how much overparenting you do, how many books on the topic you read, no matter how HARD YOU TRY, the precious little baby will become an adult and adults, let's face it, we aren't that cool most of the time. Most "good" people are incessantly searching to improve themselves and it's such an uphill battle. I, myself, have been trying to be a better person, and the more I try the more I find ugly things, like: selfishness, jealousy, anger.. not all the time, but they are there, so I embark on this self-improving journey and I wonder, is every new human being "condemned" to live life like this, never feeling right... Sorry for this little philosphical rant. I'm on the fence, after three miscarriages, I'm struggling with the desire to try again. |
Irina |
01-04-2011
Isolde, all philosphical rants are welcome here as this blog is pretty much philosophical)) I've been in the place similar to the one you are describing. Of course, you may reach different conclusions, but mine was to let go, because this obsession with self-improvement is only making you worse: exhausted, disappointed, despising people around and yoursel. It's not a question of how hard you try, its about realizing where the things you don't like about yourself are coming from. Anger is a natural emotion (adequate, of course), jealousy arises from insecurity and low self-esteem, and selfishness is a basic condition for survival. We can never be completely selfless, because we are never completely free and independent. We need all sorts of stuff all the time to stay alive, to feel secure, etc. Don't force yourself to be altruistic, let yourself be selfish, get all the things you feel you need, then the desire to share will arise naturally. Until you yourself are rich, you don't have much to give. Take care of yourself first, then start caring about others with a light heart.) |
naughty heartbearts
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03-04-2011
geee...sorry again for the long long long comment; ehem some things in life are just long or long long long and some just short or short short short:)
(no pun intended...peace sister) huh..talking about self-esteem, i think i don't have much of that uhmm only enough to keep a smile a day. (been aware of that kryptonite the day i take some control of this little naughty (sometimes) conscious mind of mine lol) but don't worry even only with that i'm not a huge headache to the society at this moment (maybe sooner or later..peace:) umm...about that happy sometimes sarcastic sometimes irritating "hahaha" disease (worry not it's not that contagious lol) i have uhuh...again sorry...got that when those cellphones invaded my country and unfortunately i got one hahhaah(sorry) we become the texting capital of the world but now i think india is coming fast... yup...every child are special/unique. but mostly follows those default smooth and rough roads of life huh. and some (few) don't follow it like me. (hope i don't sound a poor loser here 'coz it will only amuse me:) oh..i'm happy to know i helped your site in a little way by just commenting but (uhmm..hahaha life really have small but's and butts:) i'm not that comfortable that i think if i die i'll do make some free visits at midnight unfortunately i'm not a handsome or sexy kind of ghost so it will not be a good visit then i hope that's enough reason to "be a really good reason" to put some nukes to my "really lousy comments" lol (uhmm...i bravely make it on plural form (comment+s) hoping there will be more of them if you will still allow me??? uhmm also...you can erase the "bit" on the phrase "bit too shy" and put a "too" before "polite person". then i will really really like it that way hahaha(oops). oh i remember just now you're a psychologist(thanks spelling check:)right?...ehem psychology(spell check again...poor me...i think i don't like those letters p,s,y,c,h,o:) studying those minds and behaviors, now i knew why you put those impression lol. uhumm...what(how?) you wrote, looks/clothes, behaviors, how/what you talk, mannerism, and some blah blahs heheh will reveal some pieces of a person (life is cool really:) knowing this make me uncomfortable lol but not all will turn perfectly right though...hmmm. psychology,anthropology,theology,philosophy (huh i sucks on spelling) those things i dream to study whew! as a child one of the first thing i knew is i don't know many things on myself, others, and the world, then i........ ...uhuh...sorry i'm getting bored writing now i gotta stop lol peace:0 Ps. (lol i want to write it but i forgot ur name, sorry) if you feel like your uncomfortable,don't like me, just feel free to email me: "Hey niggah don't come back to my blog-ah!" (i tried to sound some gangstah but i think i dont watched enough of those movies hahahah (last laugh). Then i will cease to exist... |
Irina |
05-04-2011
hey there, yeah, don't worry, studying psychology does not allow anyone to see thru peoples minds. only a little bit, maybe.)) But some psychologists think they do know it all. It's like in that joke: - What's the difference between god and psychologist? I'm not sure what you meant about becoming a ghost, but ghosts are not that scary. Especially considering I've never seen any. Don't think ever will either. Thats why have to resort to watching scary movies at night. I actually wrote 'every child is special' as a joke. George Carlin made a good point on that phrase http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfgZiz4d-Ho |
Brian
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17-04-2011
Hello Irina
Why I want to be childfree. In no particular order and may overlap some of yours. I am still to find out the answer to the following questions, what’s it really all about? And why am I here? Aside from the obvious due to my mother and father producing me that is. My parents had religion to answer (or avoid really answering) these questions and it was a generation ago and even to this day more socially acceptable to have kids anyway so I don’t question why they had me but I simply could not really justify how I could have children when I couldn’t answer the same questions if asked by them. It’s also a lottery; cancer sufferer, professional sports star, murderer, Nobel peace prize winner. There are plenty of others having children and many having more than two, the world population is rising and there is barely enough food and energy resources to care for them as there is. Your children may have children of their own therefore, although not directly, you could be responsible for an exponential amount of births and given the aforementioned lottery of it all there could well be a crazed psychopath among them. The sun will go out. It might not be for a billion or so years but its basic law of physics and despite the conservation of energy the sun will one day be no more, of course by then humanity may well have developed or found another source of energy or moved the lucky population to some other place but none the less I would not like to be around the day that the sun goes out so I think I’ll play it safe and not spon any troops. A more personal reason and probably main reason is I suffered from depression when I was younger and was suicidal for a while so I don’t want to pass that onto someone, I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn’t have children because for a long time I didn’t want to be alive so how could I honestly have kids and look them in the eye if they ever had any of my �growing up’ lows. There is probably more I could write, I have spent a lot of time thinking about this matter in the past, but I have exams in a matter of weeks that I should be revising for so think I need to conclude. My nephews are the best thing since sliced bread and although I do feel like I will be missing out by not having any of my own, I feel parenthood is not something I will plan to happen. I’m certainly not ready to be a father even though plenty of people younger than me have numerous children but perhaps one day I could look to adopt if I really wanted to experience having the responsibility of a young one. Hypothetically speaking if there was a god, I feel I could justify not reproducing over reproducing given my thoughts on the matter. I also do enjoy my freedom and in the future I will be able to hop skip and jump where ever whenever which is something most families cannot. Of course there is the loneliness worry but I’ve been on my own in essence for years already so I’m well used to my own company. Finally I do worry about finding a girlfriend because I think the majority of women want to have kids so I worry about if I didn’t talk about it and we fell for each other then I would be breaking her heart or forcing her to choose between me and having a family but I also don’t imagine it is something that you really want to be talking about too soon either because there are a million less important things that could make either party judge each other unsuitable as a life partner before even getting close to thinking about having a child together… Anyway I really do need to get back to the school work so thanks for an interesting read and to see some other peoples thoughts on the matter. It’s funny I googled why I don’t want to have children, don’t even remember now why, although think it was some stupid msn article on why he doesn’t want to get married that made me go off on a tangent. Anyway I read the first article which was from some women writing in the guardian about how she didn’t need to justify why she didn’t want children and then I read another from the mail which was something suitably stupid (given the papers credentials) about how bosses are right to distrust women who don’t want children, then I found your blog entry, basically all three are females points of view so there ya go a little bit of balance and a males perspective. I’ll probably read some of the other stuff when I get a chance. B p.s good job i didn't write much more as I'm not far from your max word count. |
Irina |
17-04-2011
Hi Brian Thanks for leaving a thoughtful comment on the topic. You mentioned finding a partner that would not mind a childfree life. I think there are some community websites for childfree. Haven't really investigated this but I think there must be networks like this. Maybe facebook groups or smth. If there aren't many, we're just gonna have to create them then I prefer to talk through all the important topics right on the first-second date. Then we both can decide what kind of relationships can we have if any. It's much easier this way, why wasting time and later disappoint each other? |
Marianne
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13-11-2011
Dear Irina, Thank you for your great blog. You put my thoughts into words much better than I ever could. I think exactly the same way. However, I do feel like many people expect me to have kids anyway, although I'm really against it for all the reasons that you have mentioned above and more http://childfreedom.blogspot.com/2009/03/top-100-reasons-not-to-have-kids-and.html My boyfriend for example wants to get married and have kids, and I'm against both but he thinks it's just a matter of time until he can convince me - it just makes me aggressive I have to say and I think I will break up with him soon. But if I ever find a guy who wants to be childfree, hell I might even marry him I'm kidding of course, but I would love to finally find a guy who DOESN'T want to breed. Way to go Irina, you are a great role model, keep up the good work.
Best regards Marianne PS George Carlin is hilarious, and so right, best comedian ever! |
Irina |
14-11-2011
Hi Marianne, thanks for leaving such a nice comment! Finding a childfree guy isn't easy, (although probably easier than for a childfree man to find a woman). But you may find a guy who simply hasn't realized yet that he doesn't really want kids. Lots of people do not give the question much thought. I haven't been either, up until a few years ago. I'm so happy I haven't made this mistake! Id have thanked god if i believed in him Wow, what an extensive list of reasons not to have kids on that link you gave! Fun to read lists like that. Although I think only one reason suffices not to have kids, and that is: "I don't feel like it". You don't owe anybody an explanation. We're not rabbits to be breeding because of an instinct. I think it's the future parents who need to make a list of reasons of why they want to have children. They are the ones playing with other peoples' lives after all. |
JJ
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03-03-2012
Hi Irina, very nice to see someone independent and not following the so called "norm". So many... too many young girls or young women succumb to child bearing just because their friends do and it becomes the "sociable' thing to do. I've accomplished many things in my life and done almost everything that I've ever wanted to do. And I have the ability and freedom to accomplish the last few items on my "bucket list". At my age (40-something), I am getting to regret not having a child as all my siblings have children and grand children and the security of family as they grow older and needier. That's the suckiest thing about our position...
|
Irina |
03-03-2012
I am getting to regret not having a child as all my siblings have children and grand children and the security of family as they grow older and needier. I know I will find life less exciting as Ill be getting older, but I'm sure at least my consciousness will be clean as I haven't used other people as means to secure an easier future for myself. I was very upset having to watch my parents take care of their parents, and I'm not looking at this prospect with enthusiasm myself, so why would I want to pass this curse on to my supposedly beloved children to see their mother getting weaker, sicker and dying in front of them. Some day we should stop seeing progeny as our future servants. |
Holiday
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05-04-2012
I find this article very interesting and insightful. It is as if the author stole my own thoughts and feelings on the subject. I don't know where you live Irina and if your society approves more of your choice that it is the case in Eastern Europe.
The funny thing about my situation is that my parents taught me not to value a traditional family life although we were functioning as a traditional family. In other words, my parents never wanted that for me, but instead they wanted me to live my own life and dreams and be free of all unnecessary obligations. And I have even been that blessed to find a partner who does not want children either. Thank you Irina for this wonderful blog! |
Irina |
05-04-2012
Thank you, Holiday! I live in Ukraine and I still am not sure what are the levels of our social pressure to have kids as Im still being looked at as a potential mother, and its probably not too uncommon if someone stays childless in their late 20ieth. But anyway, I always have a small circle of selected people I hang out with, and this is how its probably going to be in future. And the bigger circle - who cares what they think, they should mind their own business. You're lucky with your parents and partner! This is great! I also do not feel any pressure from my parents to either marry or have kids. I guess my mother thinks this would be a good idea, but she realizes Im a different person and have my own views on life. |
Aarti
|
25-06-2012
This is a good one really! I second your opinion on this aspect, and I must say you have presented it too well.
People are worried about going against what has come/or been done through the ages and thats why they breed! If tomorrow, their kid asks "Why was I born?, Whats so special about being here?", they wouldnt have an answer to that question! .. |
Irina |
25-06-2012
Thanks, Aarti. This entry was published more than a year ago. Today I am not just a childfree woman, I'm an antinatalist. I came to view life as an imposition and reckless endangerment of another human being. |
hope it's ok i'll be the 1st one to post:(
First: Nice blog.
Second: Nice blog, again.
Third: I don't really have problems if a person choose on having or not having children, getting or not getting married, a child or a few hundreds (wink:), or a wife or twenty of them (evil laugh:), what's concern me most is what kind of environment, people, beliefs, traditions, time, place, genetics??,(and other blah blah blah's:) that child grow with because those will become a big big factor what he/she will be.
uhuh..sorry if i'm confusing...
writing and me don't like each other much hahahah.
i can't(don't want) change other people and vice versa
i don't like many things about the world and guess what, the world don't like many things about me also:)
(as i wrote this a crazy man walk in and driven away by people:(
actually, i feel comfortable with a child or a crazy man than a normal man hahahah uhmm...maybe that means i'm a bit childlike or crazy also hahaha:) or maybe BOTH lol.(but one thing i know the world is crazier than me:)
i'm not giving up life but i'm not pursuing it also...
i would say i'm just living it.(lol i'm confused to what i wrote:)
huh..sorry i'm out of topic.
Fourth: Freedom
Yeah i also like freedom (even God i think like it). ooops...sure IF there is God.
only that when i think about freedom i also thinking where it's boundaries heheh
(sometimes i found myself putting some boundaries because sometimes yourself or others getting hurts lol
then the freedom becomes (technically) not freedom anymore:0
once i thought of having a family and what if i want some freedom days to go to some wonderland? hahaha
it would be complicated then unlike when i'm just an EMO GUY hahhaha lol
oh my...the DO's and DONT's of life winkkkkkk.
you can look it positively
and you can look it negatively also.
although, it's FUN:)(for me)
Fifth: Suffering. Happiness.
plus other emotions/feelings etc... are waiting for those unborn cute babies (and not cute babies hahaha) is a (sad/happy/both) reality.
Billions already live with it and many more to come...isn't a wonderful world?? lol
Sixth: (Lucky Seven is next)
I need to stop here. sorry. got bored. huh...not bored about my poor writing heheh it more like some thoughts mingling on my poor mind that its better to enhance a little bit my poor guitar skill than my very very poor writing skills hahhaha
but this is the longest thing i wrote lol even when i got (forced..really:) myself into essay (but not easy:) contest long long time ago hahahha i barely survive the 100 words minimum limit within 5 hours or so...
while they're already busy enjoying writing their 2nd page i'm still wondering (maybe wandering..lost) what will be my 1st sentence and enjoying also the snack hahhaha lol
and get the teachers a bit shocked as i'm the last one to submit it but also the least contents.
this really getting long...sorry.
Ps.
Pls erase after you read. Why? uhummm...personal and not personal reason/s. Like?
uhmm..like i feel funny reading things i wrote in the past or like i'm actually God writing to an atheist hahhahah ehem correction: a beautiful and sexy atheist lady:)
Thanks.
(sorry about grammars and those laughs and stealing your golden time..huh)