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From the conversation I had with the guy I met not so long ago. We were just getting acquainted, and were telling each other a little bit about ourselves.
I said: I don't like being with people too often, for example, once or couple times a week can be enough for me, depends on my mood though.
- What are you running away from? Afraid of being with people? - the guy said
- Why do you think its me who is running away from something and not those who can't spend a day on their own?
It seems to be difficult to get for the majority of people how being alone can be enjoyable under any cirumstances. 'Well, - they say - once a year you may get all nostalgic or smth and you feel like staying home and listening to the music and stuff, but that odd thing quickly passes and you're all right again!' That's the idea of the need for solitude I've heard from many. They can grasp why you'd want to be alone when you're depressed or smth else is wrong in your life, but they can not imagine wanting to stay without human contact when you're fine. Yes, relaxing after work in front of the TV, few hours a day before the next day starts and you're off to be in the thick of the crowd - that's understandable. But that's not really aloneness now is it? Its just a few hours a day, spent in front of a tube that creates an illusion of being with others anyway.
Most of our lives we spend trying to escape solitude. I don't know why I wasn't the same way. No, to some extend, of course, I too get bored sometimes... But most of the times, I don't. Even when I didn't have a computer, not to mention internet. Creativity always helped. Of course, engaging in solitary creative activities is still engaing in something, and in a way - also taking your mind of aloneness. Although it in itself reduces the fear of staying alone which indirectly may reduce the fear of solitude. Just a theory...
Anyway, that's not all I enjoy.
Meditation and 'half-meditative' states while doing nothing other than just being in the moment I have experienced and came to like as well. In fact, one of the memories that is still very vivid years after is me sitting on the edge of a hill looking at the skies, the birds, just feeling the wind and the sun with my eyes closed. Beautiful nature around, summertime, and no one around. Well, up until a few minutes at least, then some painter came over with his easel))
Meditation can reveal valuable knowledge to you. Not only about yourself, but about other people.
'No one understands me'
I have come to the conclusion that the obsessive desire 'to be understood' is in fact the need to understand oneself. At least, when you have understood and accepted of yourself, the need to be understood by others disappears.
Yes, you still like when people can relate to what you're feeling, thinking, loving, hating, etc, but it is no longer a NEED, it is a great thing if it happens but not a tragedy if it doesn't.
You come to the realization that no one will ever be capable of understanding the WHOLE you, because every one is a separate universe, no matter how similar to you. There will always be some little things, some experiences that even the closest and most intimate friend will not be able to feel the way you have felt them.
Shared aloneness and improved intimacy
But this very thing is what we all share and what in the end makes us closer - the acknowledgment of the fact that every one's experience of their life is unique and can only be revealed, shared and understood to a certain extent.
I can never fully comprehend how it is being you, but I do know how it feels being a person with a unique life experience. And if you have dived into yourself, you can appreciate the inability to thoroughly relive someone else's experience also. Both of us recognizes there will always be this 'glass wall' between us, but at least each of us knows how it feels being behind the wall. And this very realization makes us feel as though this wall disappears :)
I think it was the time I've spent alone that improved my ability to be intimate with others. Not only meditation, surely, self-analysis as well. Having gone deeper into yourself, you can let other in deeper as well, and you learn to perceive the more delicate parts of the other without fear or judgement.
When you truly accept of yourself, of who you are, then what the other may think about you is secondary, which means you no longer have to be afraid of being sincere, of having your insecurities discovered. And so you are building more intimate reliationships with people.
Before you can build a close relationship with someone else, you need to build one with yourself. When you come into the relationships knowing who you are, being at peace with yourself, then you have actually something to give, not only to ask from the other. You are not that desperate beggar any more, dying to be 'understood', accepted and loved. You still need the human contact, friendship, intimacy, love, but you are no longer an anxious, jealous person, fearful of loosing the only bond you've been able to establish. You come to value the relationships for the sake of their quality, not because you are afraid no one else will be able to treat you the same way. And the friendship and love born out of freedom are so much better then those kept alive out of the dread of staying lonely.
More posts from this category: Not fond of lyingDoubts and certainty, opinions and truth (video)
TheEffe
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13-12-2011
I came across your youtube channel, and then here, by browsing arguments like (guess what?) introversion. -the inner ability to be alone with themselves, enjoying loneliness and taking great advantage of it- Well, of course this page catched my attention immediately, You described the "introversion factor" brilliantly, even if you probably aren't (or maybe you are? after all, i wouldn't be surprised if you are an introvert like myself ) We introverts are introspective and good at making deep thoughts. (And i can tell you produce deep, lucid, solid and interesting arguments with your thoughts!) Getting back to the subject, i liked very much when you said "Most of our lives we spend trying to escape solitude"; I totally agree: Like solitude is a taboo or a monster we must slay at all costs. People ARE TOLD (by society of course) that they must have to be popular, extrovert, outgoing, have some hundreds of contacts on facebook to be "allright". I think we must reconsider the advantages of loneliness sometimes, and more important, eradicate the common analogy between need to be alone = shy, depressed, antisocial or worse. Some people like me have an inner "core" where they gather their energy and strength. But it's not a personal choice, it's just my brain that is "wired" in a certain way I love hanging out with friends and people i like, but after some time i need to be alone in my room, reading, browsing web, working, or just playng with videogames to recharge myself. Very nice blog and channel, milady. You just ended up in my "favorites" menu on my browser
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Irina |
13-12-2011
Hi TheEffe, Thanks for the feedback! I hope I'll stay in your 'favorites' menu even after a few more updates)) I think society might be getting more understanding of the introverted people. But all in all, majority always tries to declare whatever is widely spread a norm and whatever is rare a disorder. Introversion is not necessarily connected with shyness or the fear of intimacy or any other negative thing. Of course, to many extraverts, it must seem the only reason why somebody would abstain from being sociable is if they were either too shy or too afraid of something. They just seem unable to wrap their head around the fact that some of us do not need human contact as often as the others, period. I am much closer to an introvert on the extraversion-introversion scale, and all that means is that I value my time alone and can get angry and irritated when I'm forced to be in a company when I don't feel like it. Quite evidently, I am not shy, and I'm not going to be apologizing to anyone for finding some activities more thrilling than your regular "chit-chat" with somebody. I wrote about it a bit more under Boring and meaningful conversations with people It's just the question of dosage. Just like extraverts, I sometimes love big noisy parties, dancing and singing, and telling jokes and laughing with people I hardly know. Sometimes i may even enjoy it every other night for a week or so (thats right), sometimes I may go half a year without this kind of events and not feel anything is missing. There are 10 myths about introverts outlined by Carl King (derived from the points made by Marti Laney in her 'The Introvert Advantage') Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk. Also, theres a great article on the attempts to pathologize introversion from Nancy Ancowitz and Laurie Helgoe on PsychologyToday |
brent mosher
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31-12-2011
I live in a cabin in the woods and spend almost all of my time alone. I didn't even have the internet until a year and a half ago (tho I did watch a lot of movies on a portable dvd player) no tv or phone. I meditate (two hours a day when I'm working - mostly alone in the woods - and four to six hours a day on days off). I have one friend I see once a week, and go grocery shopping. At one point, I was living in a trailer for months at a time alone on work sites n the woods where I had only a radio and a cat for company. I loved it.
I was writing songs til about a year ago, when for some reason the songs stopped coming - I miss the creativity like I miss a good friend, and wonder when/if it is going to return. But it's dissappearance has made me question who/what I am without it. When I do talk with people when I visit the city, people say how refreshing I am to talk to , how different. They ask if I am lonely. I say I was lonely when I lived in the city surrounded by people, but I am seldom lonely out in the woods by myself. If they were to ask what I am doing, i would tell them I am running/sinking into myself as fast as I can. I would also say I am still learning how to be alone. Which I think is a very useful skill. I do wish for good conversationf from time to time, but realize from my time in the city how rare that can be. Sometimes I am not sure having the interet is a good thing. I guess I am ambiguous about it. I learn alot, but it is a distraction at times. |
Irina |
31-12-2011
In a cabin in the woods doesn't sound too bad to me. I think Id enjoy living in a picturesque secluded place, but not too far from the city. Still like going out sometime for some mindless fun))) I do wish for good conversationf from time to time, but realize from my time in the city how rare that can be. It seems to be much easier to find one online than on the street. So for me internet is undoubtedly a good thing. Not only do I work here but I've been meeting most interesting people thru the net. Sometimes I also wish teleportation was possible, because I still prefer live communication to virtual, even if its as close to reality as skype video calls. Creativity is a capricious fragile thing. You might need more 'food' for it, new impressions, new thoughts to sort of recharge. Hope ur muse comes back)) |
John
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23-03-2012
People have said the same to me when I say I enjoy time alone.
I was always frustrated by this.. thinking, how is it that their viewpoint is the right one, simply because it is the more socially common one? I think it's important to stress that it's likely more a sign of a problem, if someone cannot be alone. I thought there were so many good points in this writing here. Especially, the need for others to understand oneself, and self-understanding being the real need. Also, that real relationships aren't possible unless there is a deep one with yourself first. It frustrates me so much at times, that the norm sickness of society is deemed OK, while everything else is deemed a problem. |
Sam
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13-10-2012
I also have been thusly introverted since childhood. I can employ a sincerely friendly and outgoing personality so most assume I am extroverted but that song and dance works only for short periods of time until I can find a way to alone again.
In truth, though, as much as I need my time alone I yearn equally much to find someone with whom I can be alone together. The quest of a fool perhaps . . . . |
Irina |
13-10-2012
Yeah, people mistake me for an extravert as well coz I can keep a conversation with people I barely know, tell jokes, dance like crazy and laugh loudly)) And I do that sincerely, its only the proportion that matters to me. I need that much less often than extraverts. with whom I can be alone together. The quest of a fool perhaps . . . . I wouldn't say so. What comes up in my mind when I think of being alone together are memories of being silent together. It's not an awkward or dull silence when people don't have much to say to each other, its a silence of understanding each other deeper than words could possibly explain. It's possible to find (how probable - thats the question!))). |
Sam
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13-10-2012
Yes, not a silence of absence but one of presence. Few understand and are comfortable there. To me it is of the essence. Have had it with a one or two platonic friends; never with a lover. That territory is more rife with sensitivities and vulnerabilities, which, ironically makes the need for it even more essential.
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Irina |
13-10-2012
I've had that mostly with lovers. When possible I prefer to have both friendship and passion in a relationship. But sure, in love theres more vulnerabilities... |
Sam
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13-10-2012
You have been yourself in the presence of others. I've struggled with this.
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John
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15-10-2012
I've struggled with this as well. Don't feel bad..
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