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"If man is the more normal, healthy and happy, the more he can...successfully...repress, displace, deny, rationalize, dramatize himself and deceive others, then it follows that the suffering of the neurotic comes...from painful truth...Spiritually the neurotic has been long since where psychoanalysis wants to bring him without being able to, namely at the point of seeing through the deception of the world of sense, the falsity of reality. He suffers, not from all the pathological mechanisms which are psychically necessary for living and wholesome but in the refusal of these mechanisms which is just what robs him of the illusions important for living...[He] is much nearer to the actual truth psychologically than the others and it is just that from which he suffers." (Otto Rank, quoted by E. Becker in "denial of Death, chapter 9")
What do you do after none of the rose-colored glasses fit anymore?
This article is obviously for those who decided to live to die another day , so we'll drop the subject of suicide as an option.
Then, if one decides to stick around, they might as well try and look for ways to cheer themselves up once in a while. There is no obligation to. No one owes this world a happy mask on their face. But there is also nothing wrong with experiencing joy and even happiness whenever genuinely possible, even in a dump like this one. There is nothing wrong in trying to create possibilities for experiencing positive emotions, even if you're a pessimist.
If you find yourself on a party that sucks, but you can't leave, you are perfectly justified in trying to make the best of it, even though you'd preferred to never be dragged there in the first place.
(for anyone who have just felt an urge to object 'but you can leave', please read my answer here.)
There's no need to be pretending life has absolutely nothing to offer. Even on a bad party, maybe, there will be a couple of good songs, one or two interesting people, a few tasty drinks and some not completely disgusting snacks. Try and concentrate on that. This is no longer a self-deception, you know the party sucks as a whole, and you'll be finding yourself awoken to that fact every other day or hour (depends).
"We're all afloat in a boundless sea, and the way we cope is by massing together in groups and pretending in unison that the situation is other than it is. We reinforce the illusion for each other. That's what a society really is, a little band of humanity huddled together against the specter of a pitch black sea. Everyone is treading water to keep their heads above the surface even though they have no reason to believe that the life they're preserving is better than the alternative they're avoiding. It's just that one is known and one is not. Fear of the unknown is what keeps everyone busily treading water. All fear is fear of the unknown. If someone in such a group of water-treaders betrays the group lie by speaking the truth of their situation, that person is called a heretic, and society reserves its most awful punishments for heretics. If someone decides to stop struggling and just sink or float away, every possible effort is made to stop him, not for the benefit of the individual, but for the benefit of the group. To deny at all costs the truth of the situation." (Jed Mckenna)
Yes, there's no point, this place is a vale of tears, and there's no easy way out of it. Accept it like a bad joke. Of Universal proportions. Treat yourself as an actor in a horror movie.
I suspect greatest actors actually live their characters' lives while the movie is being filmed. They are acting, but in the same time, they're living the emotions just like if the whole thing was real. In those moments when they're pretending they're someone else, they actually are that someone else. It's just a game, but it works.
So what do you do when you hear a good song playing on a shitty party? You pretend this moment is all there is and dive into it. You dance like this minute is your last one. Like there is nothing else in this world besides this rhythm.
I know it's not easy for everyone to find something more or less exciting to do. But if you'll be looking for that something, you just might find it. The problem why some people can't seem to come up with anything might be because they keep saying to themselves "what's the point". There's none. Noone needs me making those little necklaces and bracelets, I mean, people buy them, but in a global sense - there's still no point in me doing that. But there is a point in me trying to make myself feel better, so I just do it. I love myself. You should to.
- I don't mean narcissistic kind of love and admiration which may be just a defense mechanism hiding the inner insecurity. I'm talking about an acceptance of who you are (and are not ;)) with all the flaws and disapponitments, with good and evil. Certainly, if you despise yourself you aren't going to be feeling too good. You need to be at peace with yourself. Sometimes, when people start looking at themselves and the others more realistically, they begin noticing more and more unflatterring traits, selfish drives that were previously hidden behind some good-looking motives. It's important to go through this process without becoming hopelessly misanthropic, and try to forgive yourself and others for at least some of our flaws. I gotta admit, this is a constant challenge.
- Another important thing is to be able to talk about the things that bother you, to share with somebody. We're social beings, can't get away from that. And if a heart-to-heart talk isn't possible, then at least writing about it: if not online, then in your secret diary, or in letters you never send. Talking anonymously on forums, discussion groups...
- But still, having a close friend makes a huge difference. Feeling that someone likes you the way you are is precious. Try and build that relationship with someone. Not easy to find a suitable person, someone as disillusioned as yourself, but not impossible - open-minded people, people who share lots of your views, if not all. You accept them for what they are and they might just accept you for who you are as well. Oftentimes, people are afraid to make that first step towards intimacy. Take a risk. Somebody has to do it, why not you?
- The problem with having unpopular views is feeling alienated. It's tough. But no one has to feel that way. Even if like-minded people are not around at the moment, you know at least they have lived, and they are probably living somewhere today. You may not have met them yet, but you're not alone. I mean, unless you really want to feel oh so unique and special !))) Haha. No, in some way, for sure, we all are, but it seems quite improbable that you're going through something that no other human being has been going through, or thinking the thoughts no one else has ever contemplated.
I don't know about you, but to me it gives some comfort.
- Make sure you aren't burdened with guilt, hate or in a huff with anybody.
Sure, occasionally, every negative emotion can overwhelm us, but if you're constantly living with one of those negative feelings, you're additionally poisoning your life, draining your energy.
I'm not claiming to know the recipe of good life after disillusionment. I can not even know how long my strategy will last. I guess we'll have to live and see...
More posts from this category: Parents create targets for harmClarence S. Darrow on existence, consciousness and nature
RubberDucky
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01-05-2012
so, basically, just find shit to do to pass the time until you croak? lol that's pretty much what I've been doing the past 20 years. It get's harder with age, though, I think. The earlier you figure out what life is, the worse off you'll likely end up. But the truth is important, regardless of how it effects our individual lives, imo. anyway, good article.
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Irina |
01-05-2012
these are basically tips on how to do your time in prison with less pain. what else is there to advise without offering people new blinders? popular psychology will try to sell a more appealing 'how to look at your prison and see freedom'. can't do that anymore, tired of bullshit. but theres plenty of sites where people can go and re-enforce their illusions. |
RubberDucky
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01-05-2012
I don't think there is any other advice, unfortunately. Just finding pleasant distractions to get us through is really all we can do.I have to admit, I find that in itself quite sad though. That that's really the best we can aim for. Do you think the psychiatry/psychology fields will ever acknowledge the realities of what life is? I have a small amount of hope, but still doubt it, since there's no money in admitting we're living in a shithole. Kinda off topic but one psychologist I went to (I'm a nut so I've seen a lot of them lol) told me that "god will never give someone more than they can handle" I replied then why do over a million people kill themselves every year? She just ignored me. It was then that I realized just what a joke pop psychology is. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are good psychologists but, they seem to be few and far between.
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Irina |
01-05-2012
I don't think psychologists are deluded because of money :) It's just that they are only humans themselves. They're afraid of the bitter truth just as much as the others. I'm one myself, have friends among my collegues and run a psychological portal where hundreds of psychologists hang out. They really believe in all the happy fairy tales crap. Some are religious, some are into new age, astrology, shamanism... Most will talk about how life is what you make it. Just like Irvin Yalom answered the question i this interview: - After reading your and Becker's work, I assumed that there would be a huge debate within the psychology community on the importance of helping people confront their fears of death. But the subject, by and large, seems to have been ignored. Why is that? - Psychotherapists and psychologists are themselves in denial of death. They are not really very different in this regard than the general population. |
John
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01-05-2012
Irina, thanks for your writing again. I especially appreciated this last comment.
I had a feeling of burden for a lot of my life knowing the psychologist community would not be able to heal me either, having realized certain things.. and not necessarily be my ally. I'm glad for your human comments about them. |
Irina |
01-05-2012
Thanks for coming back to read, John :) |
Neil
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01-05-2012
Irina: Bravo again! You are the most sensible and balanced philosophical pessimist I know of, except for me
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Irina |
01-05-2012
Haha. Thanks, Neil! I'm guessing 'balanced' referred to not being totally mysanthropic and depressed while acknowledging life's futility and brutality? I hope I'll manage to preserve the balance. I'm not judgemental of those who've lost it though. I sometimes feel like I'm on the verge of that. Oh well, so far so good... |
Neil
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01-05-2012
Yes, Irina, that's exactly what I meant. As long as we're in prison, we may as well enjoy the cigarettes and the coffee, if we can get them. But, like you, I wouldn't judge those people who are too despairing to enjoy them.
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08-05-2012
Excellent post, Irina! I think it's definitely the most balanced and sensible approach I've seen to living 'in the aftermath'. Unfortunately, I'd have to agree with RuberDucky in that the earlier you realise the truth about life, the harder it gets. Life's futility dawned on me at 18 and it's hobbled me ever since.
I agree that pleasant distractions are the best we can get, but, alas, that too can wear thin. Here's a quotation from a favourite blog of mine: "And so here is where the hedonists fall flat (in my opinion). Agree that everything is pointless; that without god, everything is permitted. There is no morality, only the rules of a minority, which attempt to control and restrict the behaviour of other human beings. And so I ask, striving for what? What standards and goals did we all sign up for? Who decides? The world today is a battleground of stupid ape descendants, who have carved up the land, and the people and riches in it. Every day people die. Every day people are born. War, disease, pain and misery. On one hand you have rich people, flying around in jets, with their obese children, and obese pets, working, spending, energy, energy, energy. And then they wonder why the world might be fucked up. If human beings really do ruin the one place in the universe they know can keep them alive, isn't that an absurd joke? And the piece argues that it's okay striving for today, even if there isn't a tomorrow. Fuck it if the oil runs out tomorrow, today we get our buck and fuck! All well and good for the people who prosper, but look around humanitarians and show me the world where everybody has enough to eat. We are all related, cousins from thousands of years back. And like a dysfunctional family, we're not ever going to get along. Live for today and be happy, is fine advice (seeing as everything is pointless). But I understand why some people choke trying to swallow it..." http://www.everythingispointless.com/ Sadly, over the past year I've fallen into the misanthropic category of futilitarians/antinatalists. I attribute it to age and living in London, the latter being Hedonist Central. Watching people gorging themselves and living for gratification becomes sickening very quickly. Anyway, this probably sounds darker than I intended. Thanks again for the post! |
Irina |
08-05-2012
Thanks for leaving a comment, Karl! Life's futility has been chasing me over years, but I was managing to fight it off and sort of put a lipstick on a pig. First - religion, than - Karma and New Age crap. Most of the people I was trying to talk to about the point of all this only replied with genuine surprise: 'why are you even thinking about it? much less when you're still so young! you should be out having fun!' I suspect it may get harder in the long run, to live without inventing a meaning. But for now, just trying to describe what works so far and, who knows, maybe somebody will find smth useful there.. Apart from concentrating on pleasant distractions, I thought of maybe mentioning some sort of the 'secondary meanings', if they could be called that. Ones that do not make life worth starting, but in a way - justify dragging it on for some time. You know, like seeing other people - as Shopenhauer put it - as 'fellow sufferrers' and maybe trying to make this road easier for some of them, and also - doing something to try and prevent this tragedy of life to happen to anyone else. Still these two feel weak, the former is like trying to fill a sieve with water, and the latter, while may make sense for some, for others is like an invitation to be a missionary, the role they didn't ask for themselves. Thanks for linking to an interesting blog. I totally understand the misanthropy, but I try to remind myself people are just another animals on this planet. Being terrorised by their own biology. We always need something, we're never free. Terror overwhelmes us, we want to escape the reality at all costs. We're hurting because we're hurt. Doesn't justify all the things we did and keep doing, just explains them a little bit. We want to perceive our species as smth higher than the average monkey, because of the advances of science. But we're just monkeys who learnt how to build space ships. Still terrified to use our intelligence in the philosophical sphere, to look at the reality of our existence. I sometimes find myself irritated and angry at some people for all those skimming defense mechanisms they cling to in order to preserve the happy shiny image of life and keep reproducing, but I also feel sad for them, seeing that scared little creature desperately trying to escape the dreadful conclusions. I wish I could offer something more than 'im sorry', but that would have been like lying to a terminal patient about his condition. All I can say is, 'I'm sorry, there seems to be no cure from this disease'. The only consolation might be that we're in this shit together. ...And that one day, maybe, an asteroid will hit the Earth and we're finally be free))) |
Neil
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08-05-2012
Isn't the misery and agony of life the crucial issue, more so than the pointlessness of it all? If life were gratifying for its own sake, we wouldn't need it to have a purpose, we would just enjoy. We look for a meaning in order to give us a reason to put up with a suffering life. So the mere fact that we crave a meaning is itself an indictment of life.
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Irina |
08-05-2012
True. We wonder about the meaning the most when we're suffering. And in this life, suffering includes that feeling of boredom that descends upon us when all our needs are met and pains healed. Theres just no way of escaping the crap. The other thing is, no meaning seems to be enough. I mean, even if it did exist, and it was assigned to us by some higher power, what point would there be in passively accepting it? |
Neil
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08-05-2012
You're right,Irina, no meaning is enough. If our suffering lives serve the Creator's purpose, then we are being brutally exploited. And if my suffering leads in the end to my own eternal bliss, I would still have preferred the peace of non-existence.
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Irina |
09-05-2012
That's exactly how I see it. What could possibly be wrong with non-existence? I'd take it any day. |
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16-05-2012
grrr, mistyped the code from the image, and it eliminated a 4000 word post
Anyway, fantastic post. Bottom line of my posts. *Agreed suicide is NOT a real option, as it hurts family and friends worse than natural (or even other non-"natural") deaths would. *It's impossible to have children for their benefit. Therefore, we don't have children to benefit them, we have them to benefit ourselves. Therefore, humanity's extinction is sad ONLY for the PRESENTLY EXISTING. *WE won't benefit from humanity's future existence. How will you benefit from humanity's existence in the year 2162, or even 2112? |
Irina |
16-05-2012
Thanks, flirabat. I don't imagine we'll disagree on much about AN. Thinking about why people may see the extinction of humanity as a threat. I suspect its also rooted in the necessity to deny death. Even childfree people sometimes express opposition to this prospect. I guess it goes like 'while there are still people on Earth, I have a chance of being remembered'. The only vicarious immortality we get is the one that involves the existence of others: our own children, or people who knew us, or people who might someday appreciate the products of our creativity: books, paintings etc (even blogs today I suspect :)). But of course, unless you're one of those few greatest of the greatest, you will be forgotten pretty quickly still. Like, from antiquity times we only focus on the most prominent philosophers, nobody cares about the rest. And average people who lived 1000 years ago - what remained of them? Nothing. [p.s. when the code is entered wrong, the page shows your entire comment so you could copy it and paste when you go back. i guess you didn't notice it?.. sorry to loose your longer comments] |