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When I was in my 20ies and was still considering having kids at some point in the future all the downsides that would come to my mind were ...the pain of childbirth ...that was probably it. So advertised the whole business of having children was in society I was growing up (isn't it any society really) and I didn't have internet for a long time, and when I got it I didn't immediately stumble upon any more information on the topic. I would assume a lot of young people get in the whole business of becoming parents without fully realizing what they're subscribing for.
Why don't parents warn their kids then? Well, obviously, that'd entail at the very least admitting to themselves they may have made a mistake they're unable to correct and that their children - whom they most likely love - are the result of a mistake. It's a tough thing to live with so the majority will try and suppress their disappointment, disillusionment and all the negative feelings in order to adapt to the new circumstances they can not change any more and try to be happy with their new fate. How would that warning even sound? "I'm happy I have you but I don't recommend having children"? That's awkward. Besides, openly expressing regret over having children can get one a stigma of a 'bad parent', a 'heartless monster' whose parental instincts never awakened by their offspring's first glance or a smile (or a scream ). Nevertheless, there are people who do openly express their views even though they are parents [The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life].
You will find even more anonymous testimonies on the net. For example, in this facebook group.
But why do people have a second child if they already regret the first one? Yes, this can happen. It's a mechanism of denial. You repeat the mistake to convince even yourself that you actually do not consider it a mistake. The line from the movie 'Revolutionary Road' comes to mind: "The only reason we moved out here was because I got pregnant. Then we had another to prove the first one wasn't a mistake, I mean, how long does it go on? Frank, do you actually want another child? Well do you?"
Generally, when people are stuck with something they don't realy like, they try to convince themselves they are actually happy with their lot, that they're exactly where they want to be, doing exactly what they would like to do and wouldn't have it any other way. Who wants to admit that they threw away the best part of their life?
People do love their kids, and some people do genuinely like being parents. Sure, even all things considered with the change of lifestyle, lack of sleep, increase in worrying, financial costs etc some of us may still find parenting most enjoyable and worth of all the minuses it entails. I am not sure what percentage these people comprise and they are not the subject of this post. The important thing is that those considering becoming parents carefully examine the downsdes of this road, because we tend to hear only positive feedback and I've already mentioned why the negative one would be missing.
Btw, "the study by postgraduate psychology researcher Carsten Grimm from the University of Canterbury in New Zealand found people rate sex as the top activity that brings them happiness, followed by drinking alcohol or "partying.” Childcare ranked fifth on the list — sorry kids![link]"
Now to the disadvantages of having children as I see them.
For women, obviously, the cost is even higher because they have to go through pregnancy and childbirth. It can lead to various health problems and even in 21st century women still die while giving birth. To learn about some more common problems I'd recommend this smart and funny piece written by a mother of 3 entitled "My giant vasshole".
Seriously, I've only recently learnt that urinating, farting and pooping on a delivery table is quite common. It's natural, I know, but doesn't mean it's appealing. The process of giving birth is disgusting, it is also painful and dangerous for a woman.
Then, when the baby is finally born, the first year is quite hellish. Say good bye to sleeping thrugh the night, being your own boss, having hobbies, going out. You're tied to this little creature whose life depends on you and who constantly needs you, who cries for different reasons which you have to guess.
Relationships with a partner. Pregnancy, child birth and finally, having a baby in the house changes a lot. New responsibilities arise and there is less time to devote to each other. Men often start feeling unloved, and women - lacking support when they need one. Quiet dinners with wine, feeling relaxed and free - gone. You will know any moment can be broken up by kid's sudden cry. Home isn't a source of peace and quiet any more, it is a place where stress continues. Not every couple will survive this. Read the article on WSJ - So Cute, So Hard on a Marriage or similar one on NYpost Want a happy relationship? Don’t have kids — study says
Of course, don't forget the financial side. Look up how much raising a child costs per month in your country and try putting aside that money for half a year or so. Happy with what's left? Have a good medical insurance for all members of the family? Children can get seriously ill, so can parents, and it's best to have some money put aside for emergencies. In Ukraine, where I live, we see calls for help on TV and internet far too often. Children with cancer, inborn diseases, traumas from accidents... Dont just plan for a fairy tale becase this is real life, bad things happen to good people all the time. And in a blink of an eye you can find yourself a parent of disabled child who will need your care till the end of their life. Plan for that too? Well, at least psychologically you should. These things happen to people like you and me.
Finally, really think hard if childcare is what you'll gladly be doing. Unless of course you'e planning to dump your baby on a nanny or grandma the list of duties is pretty extensive and energy/time-consuming. If you have friends and relatives with babies come visit and offer your help for the day, see if you like it. They say it's different when it's your own - to a certain extent - yes, but a high-pitch noise will still be high-pitch noise, a puke on your shirt will still need washing etc.
As for me - I do think a lot of children are cute, I do have a warm feeling inside when I see them. But interacting with little kids for more than half an hour exhausts and bores me. The dull games you have to play with them, the stupid tv shows they watch. Seriously, if I had to hear teletubbies in my house every day I'd be suicidal. And in many cases it's either leting kids have what they want or seeing a tantrum. Sure, there are ways to manage the tantrums, but they also require your attention and involvement, you basically don't belong to yourself at all any more. All you do is watch that your little kid doesn't kill or injure themselves accidentally, see what they want, being their servant.
Finally, children require you to settle down in a certain neighbourhood. A move to a new community can be very stressful for kids. Surely, you do want to take your little ones interests seriously. You can move all you want if you're childfree, either for a better job opportunity or with a new partner, or just on a wild impulse, but if you're a parent, and a good one, you'll try not to traumatize your offspring unless absolutely necessary.
This is perhaps not an exhaustive list of all the possible downsides of becoming a parent, just the ones that came to my mind, you're free to add more in the comments.
Can you regret not having kids? Yes, you can. But so can you regret having them. Now ask yourself, what would be worse? Even if one day you realize you now would like to become a parent but you're too old to have a baby, you can adopt a child, perhaps even a child of 5-15 years old, why not? By doing this you will also help someone who already needs a home and love and care instead of creating someone who doesn't need anything at the moment (because they don't exist).
More posts from this category: Parents create targets for harmThe negatives of positivity (video)
Irina |
28-01-2014
Yah, sorry, nobody else asked for comments editing function so I don't feel the pressure to introduce new functions I've just gotten back to my normal 'internet life'. Exactly, why would you want a strain on your budget if you're barely supporting yourself. That doesn't stop some people though. And some parents also try to make of their kids what they want them to be. That's just cruel. |
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27-01-2014
I actually don't like this new design. As cheery as the other one looked, I really liked it.
Anyway, this post reminded me of a fantastic book that I read recently called "Stumbling on Happiness". Yes, I know, I know, the title sounds extremely fishy but no, it's not a self-help book. In fact, it coudn't be farther from that. Anyway, we have known for quite some time now that having children decreases the well being and quality of life of most couples. Studies also show that usually the well being of those couples only increases when their children finally leave their parent's houses. In "Stumbling on Happiness", Daniel Gilbert mentions that but he also mentions that he has a son. And even thought he is completely aware of what the evidence shows, he says he believes that his son is the joy of his life. It could very well be true, I'm sure there are some odd cases where the parents actually became happier after having kids, but those are odd cases, they are the exception. Even thought it could be true, to me, when I was reading that section of the book, it just looked like denial. Like someone looking right at the evidence and still not being able to accept it. |
Irina |
28-01-2014
Hehe this new design is very simplistic. Maybe I'll decorate it a bit later. Just had an impulse to get rid of the old one. I can donate it lol)) Yeah, I mentioned the couples happiness scarcely.
I'd also think these are rather the exceptions. Society implicitly posulates that parentng is for everyone, that everyone is better off having children and that of course isn't true. What I also think is that a lot of people like knowing they have a child but not have to do the whole childcaring/rearing business. I mean, visiting them once a week might be fun, but having to be with them every day for several hours - much less so. I don't mean to say it's an objective observation but I've seen only a couple of people in my life who complained about not seeing their kids often enough, but I've met both men and women who can go months with only skype calls to their offsprings. Most everyone wants a significant other, relationships, love, sex. How many leave their children to be with their new love? Whoever would trade the biggest happiness for something less fulfilling, especially since that happiness is their own flesh and blood?? Parents risk relationships with their children to take a chance with their new partner because those relationships make them much more happy than children. Yet I'm not hinting they don't love their kids. It just seems to me loving someone and being happy just by being with them are two different things. People just have a wrong expectation that kids are to make them happier. |
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27-01-2014
So "not having internet for a long time" is the way towards having no children, I understand?
The accusations ("bad parents" etc) that's terrible. People who want to judge others are sort of bad humanists in my opinion. Judging is what you learn to do less when you grow up. The "mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life"... yeah, those things happen. On the other hand, someone like Andrew Solomon, who certainly understands these things too (for instance in his book Far from the Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search for Identity), will also point out that "it is astonishing ... how frequently parents who had supposed that they couldn't care for an exceptional child discover that they can". -- But of course, this, again, is a post-natal consideration. I'm not yet addressing the AN position (nor do I feel hard-pressed to have the right answers to it). But I think it's good to see the positive possibilities anyway, up-front as it were. They are part of the issue to be addressed. The argument for potential non-existence of children is only a good argument when people are already aware that they are not up to the task. I'm just saying. But oh... sh*t I wouldn't address AN. All in all, there is something endearing about your remarks about kids. It's honest, it will also be helpful for parents who fell into the trap of feeling guilty for something which can be understood (if taken distance from unqualified idealisms). People need to consider these options. Good blog again. PS. Teletubbies shouldn't make you suicidal. But, as they discovered long ago, in America, that Tinky Winky was gay and bad for children, it might be a good idea to Tinky Winky the religious right all day long. Until they get suicidal. |
Irina |
28-01-2014
So "not having internet for a long time" is the way towards having no children, I understand? On the contrary, interet provided me with more information. It was only a lucky set of events that I didn't have children before that.
Agree. But then there is still abuse and such. We have to call it what it is to protect the children. If we didn't pass judgements we couldn't have any laws in general so to a certain extent we must. Then of course there are people who like to do it more often to feel better about themselves. Oh well, should we judge them for being too judgemental? "it is astonishing ... how frequently parents who had supposed that they couldn't care for an exceptional child discover that they can". -- But of course, this, again, is a post-natal consideration. Yeah, and then there are those who thought they could but found out they couldnt. The way to decrease the number of such cases is to make people aware of what to expect more objectively than they are today. So their decision is informed not based on propaganda and vague fantasies of cute babies, pink fluffy baby clothes, toys, ephimerical boost in happiness etc. I don't think it's a big tragedy if somebody who otherwise would have reproduced reads something like this post and then doesn't. If being a parent is really their life-long dream I don't think they'll easily give up on it after learning upfront about the negative side. On the other hand, if somebody has the wrong idea about parenting and it gets corrected and they go "Oh shit, I'm not getting into this mess!" - it's at least 2 lives saved: the parent's and the potential child's who could make each other miserable and be featured on one of the 'I regret having a kid' section. Good blog again. Thanks. PS. Teletubbies shouldn't make you suicidal. But, as they discovered long ago, in America, that Tinky Winky was gay and bad for children, it might be a good idea to Tinky Winky the religious right all day long. Until they get suicidal. Muhahaha! |
Brian W.
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28-01-2014
Great post, Irina! I don't think that your reasons are selfish, to be honest. Would it be selfish of you to list the reasons you didn't want to be a lawyer? Or accountant? Being a parent is simply a role that you do not want. I don't see it as selfish...perhaps, at least partially, because I have the same reasons that you do
Just today my sister told me that will make a good Father "some day" because of how I am helping to raise our families new puppy. I told her that I'd rather get a plant. I think you have a huge advantage because you are a woman that is child free. As a child free guy, it's much harder for me to find a partner. I swear 99% of women think with their uterus. |
Irina |
29-01-2014
Yeah, I just like to make interesting titles)) Also, compared to philantropic reasons where one doesn't have children out of concern for their fate, these points are entirely about the parents well-being. Plants are cool. I've bought several once I moved to my current apartment, it's a pleasure to see the beauty around)) The silent beauty I might add!
I think men start really wanting kids much later in life than women. But usually by that time they already have them simply because of unsafe sex or woman's wishes. It's sad about women but the situation is getting better compared to older times.
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31-01-2014
I understand why women want to have children, because they are indoctrinated to believe that being a mother is the highest goal any woman can achieve (as if!), the romantic ideal, and so on. But why do men want children? That boggles my mind. I've never wanted children and I see no reason, even if you're not AN, why any man would want children, except if you really hate your girlfriend or wife. I hate people so much...
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Irina |
31-01-2014
I think Becker explained the uderlying reasons very well, they apply to both sexes. Emancipated women still have the urge for immortality. They will have 1 instead of 3 but they will breed. (( Although just on emotional level, men who try to convince ther women to have kids irritate me much more. Either they don't realize what danger, pain and discomfort and time committment they're trying to impose on their partners by asking them to get pregnant, deliver and start nursing or they treat their women instrumentally, putting what they want from them above loving them for who they are. Just been reading pages like these where men complain about their partners not willing to get pregnant. http://ask.metafilter.com/240411/My-wife-doesnt-want-kids-but-I-do-is-change-of-her-mind-possible At least there are replies like this: "You need to decide if this is the ultimate deal breaker for you, because I love my kids, but it's not a romantic enterprise, it's quite literally the very definition of a labor of love. If you are thinking about this relationship about not being the right thing because maybe she doesn't want to have kids, I am going to tell you that a relationship after kids is tested in so many more ways that it's really, truly hard to explain to people who don't have kids or haven't lived in a house where they are being raised. My wife and I might be bad managers of our kid raising, but we're pretty realistic about the level of effort, and we regard what she puts in day in and day out raising our kids as a stay at home mom as waaaaaaay more difficult than my job where I get a break from it all." Dear fathers who insisted on having kids, you deserve this: |
Liz
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Irina |
13-02-2014
Hi Liz, Didn't seem so funny to me, it just reflects one of the common views on having children: that it is selfless and an adult thing to do to create someone who never needed anything and start serving their needs. |
Brian W.
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03-11-2015
What, Irina, you don't have any interest in raising an alcoholic/drug addicted son or daughter? You don't want to get calls at 3 A.M. about how your son crashed his 4th car? Or he overdosed on heroin and had to be rushed to the hospital? (My friend's stepson..all too common)
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But anyways, great stuff. Personally, I can't even support myself and while like I can sometimes feel warm when looking atother kids, I only do so with specific kids so its almost like eugenics for me - even if I wasn't an antinatalist, I wouldn't want to have any kids that would be other than how I imagined them so my standards are way too high for someone like me to become a father. Also, I hate obligations and responsibilities more than anything (hence, my either give me everything in life or leave me in non-existence approach) so I would have zero patience for any of it.