[ written to this concert https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cutX3mF0phM#t=2867 ]
[under half a bottle of dry wine and half a can of hefe beer, too, so if anything underneath is silly or in any way not a perfect expression of infallible wisdom - blame it on alcohol and music, dun]
I'm laughing at myself sometimes, you knw? Like today, I'm thinking to myself: who are you kidding, you, the one buying eye-shadows online - what for? To seduce men you know you're not going to like 99% of the time?
Or is it just a habit from the times when you thought you were going to like them, often enough to bother?
The last man you met in real life that you came close to being interested in disappointed you that same night, and the next morning you found out he was married anyway.
But besides married, he was still playing all the same games you grew tired of years ago, games that make you want to send him to a shrink for counselling and come back when he's resolved all his mommy/narcissism/whatever issues.
When he'll be able to come and say what he wants exactly instead of trying to prove something to you, probe you for something instead of just saying the truth there and then.
When, instead of trying to play tough with you and saying 'hey, you're fun, let's grab a beer together, but before that let me check if there are any hotter girls around so wait for me a few minutes' he'd just go and have beer with me.
No problem, I can wait, I've had plenty of narcissistic supply before to last me looong time and to tolerate whatever, but when i'm expected to chase someone, that's the limit - not because I'm insulted, but because only a silly preoccupied with his self-esteem could want such an arrangement.
Thus, still not a very interesting personality to me. I've been there, done that, thanks, that's boring, you go ahead and play those power games without me.
It boils down to this: either you like me or not, clearly, there's always going to be people hotter than me and hotter than you. Either we both admit we're looking to find someone we like a little more than the rest or we don't.
I've started dating and having relationships since I was 15, I'm 30 now. I'd be dumb if I was still on the stage I was when I was 20. Yet some people never seem to grow out of that childish addiction to adrenaline- and whatever producing games over who needs the other more, who is more valuable, and who is more dependable on the other.
It's true, though, I'm not easy to become attached to someone. Has to be a person I share a lot in common with, and there aren't many people like that today. I stress on today because before there were many more, when I've been more optimistic about life.
There were still many philosophically inclined people who believed in magic and spirituality and such and were overall pretty optimistic abut life, so there was a bigger pool, even though still smaller than your average 'nice, sexy, funny guy' kind of pool.
I've had relationships with those kind of people and they lasted for years, and they cost me also big time emotionally. So I know I'm capable of that shit everybody loves and hates at the same time.
But objectively, today, this pool is even smaller. And it's not like
I'm even expecting to meet some good-looking, vegan philosophical pessimist who's also a guitar player for crying out loud, but even a simple rational human being who's keen on philosophy and has some appreciation for suffering and a bit of a sence of humor, and like, is not a complete psychopath?
Good luck with that!
Sometimes, being a psychologist and all, I doubt myself and ask, maybe that's something in me that's opposing the very idea of long-term relationships? I mean, on the one hand I do think it's kind of a costly arrangement this whole love thing and what not. When you look back on what you've had before, you're not completely sure it was a net benefit. Sure, it tought you something, you're a wiser and more experience person because of that,
but was it more joy than pain? Whoever can even weigh that? Well, some peoples relationships may be more on the suffering side, when they're constantly usure of themselves and worried whether their partner values them the way they'd want to, but mine were mostly ok on that, at least, but then there would be some other issues, quite unpleasant, and, what's most memorable, is the pre- the actual -and post breakup state.
That's what I consider the payback time, when you pay for all the good times you've had with excruciatly bad times. Whoever is the initiator of the separation - doesn't matter. I've been that most of the times but doesn't seem easier on either side.
And after all this shit and more - not related to romantic relationships - some man starts trying to pull some tricks on my tired soul, I'm just so disappointed and apathetic that I don't even bother to try and explain why this won't work. Maybe it's the suffering experience that has to match first and foremost. When you're 20 and still full of dreams and bullshit pride - it's one thing, when you've been around and seen enough - it's a totally different outlook.
So anyway, whether I'm subconsciously resisting getting involved with someone. Well, this hypothesis would hold more weight if there wa actually someone already otherwise attractive that I would be trying to find faults with and push away - we're not even there. And then, so what if the next attachment - if it ever happens - can kill me, I mean, leave me devastated if it falls apart, so that I'll want to shoot myself or something? I mean, big deal, cigarettes cause cancer, and yet I smoke, even feeling my lungs deteriorating. It's not the length of life that's most important to me but the content.
Stupidly, this smoking thing, right? What does it add to life that's worth the side-effects? And yet, when I've recently quit smoking for a month or so I became almost depressed. I can't say for sure it's due to that but I was thinking to myself, 'damn, this life thing sucks as it is, and now i'll not even be able to take a drag once in a while'?
Then, what's this prejudice against drugs? Aren't all the good things addictive in this world? All the strong emotions, psychological states, that same love thing most people like to fall in - just another addiction? Because life is mundane and tasteless, existence is a drag and we want to feel - for once - that it's been worth our while to be getting up early in the morning and run some place all those years, day after day. For something more exciting than a cup of fucking tea with a cookie, something more mindblowing, right? We all want the high. When we get billed for it, we may decide to slow down and 'behave' for a while, because the bills for the 'highs' are also high, damn it. But then the gray lonely mundane existence kicks in again, and over time, it starts costing quite a bit as well, only in another currency, because you're still getting up in the morning to run and do stuff, and all you get in return is safety and calm, at best. Emptiness, at worst. Somebody finds solice in creativity, others - in narcissism (in many shapes of forms of presenting one's whatevers to the public), still others - in computer games, still others - in drugs of all kinds. None of it is good for a long time. None of anythng, I'd think, works for decades. Does it?
So this is where we are, guys, just staing the obvious, right?
It's a big world, huge, for every one of us, and yet, after a few decades you see it as just a movie on the loop. Travel, change actors, try and escape the patterns you're psychologically predisposed to, try all you might, you will invent nothing new and discover nothing you haven't seen in some shape or form before. Like a squerrel in a wheel. Enjoy the ride. I guess, don't take this thing seriously, That's the only sane advise. You're not too important, relax, fucker :)