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27-12-2012 Damn. Awesome, Irina.I thoroughly enjoyed. Thanks for hitting a home run on this topic with sincerity and truth. |
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28-12-2012 Thank you, helpful; and always nice to see others think on an introspective level, especially since it's a seemingly rare occurrence...or at least rarely at any great depth. And yet, in not just the different cases of honesty (or lack thereof) but also generally regarding anything that can be self-reflected upon, such kind of thought if performed might actually lead to better psychological well-being for the person.I think another point is, being dishonest to some people about certain things but not to others. For whatever reason; unsympathetic/inconsiderate, closed-mindedness to unpopular personal/philosophical preferences, lack of discretion; for some, being (completely) honest to some people about some things might simply be more trouble than its worth, especially if they see them on a regular basis. Finding people that one is comfortable being honest around helps; but just as much on the flip side, doing what one can themselves so that others don't feel uncomfortable having to lie is good. (And thanks a lot for the backup page when having entered the wrong code) |
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28-12-2012
Thanks for a thoughtful comment. I think another point is, being dishonest to some people about certain things but not to others. True, there is always a cost/benefit analysis involved: Grandma: You need to get baptised. Me: I don't believe in god. Grandma: What? OMG!! But...but... Me: I'm kidding, grandma, maybe I will, maybe I will. Grandma leaves in two days and our communication is over. No need to worry her and have a pointless discussion that you can predict in details anyway. but just as much on the flip side, doing what one can themselves so that others don't feel uncomfortable having to lie is good Yep. That's why I said it's good to show an example. People see you're not bragging about your grandious achievements and they might feel safe enough to tell the truth also, seeing how you're not some judgemental prick. And thanks a lot for the backup page when having entered the wrong code You're welcome! Due to the nature of my work I've had to submit tons of information through forms before so I know how frustrating it is to get your data lost. |
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29-12-2012 I can only think of a few things which I would add to the conversation. I won't always tell what I'm thinking unless I have a very well thought out opinion on the matter. If you don't have a good, well considered opinion, it's better to keep it to yourself. I've met some very stupid people who feel they need to share their opinions on everything and they make asses of themselves. I have my own way of dealing with situations where most people would lie. It's probably pretty common. When I'm put in complicated social situations, like I'm with an employer, or a professor of mine, or even certain family members, I will never lie to them, but sometimes I'll find ways to find compatible ground so as not to offend. When your career or livelihood is on the line, and you've worked hard to get to that place, it's worth more to me to have harmony and job security than to let my direct opinions on everything be known. Also, there are different ways in which you can say the exact same thing. There's an art to constructive criticism. I can't say I'm very good at it, but I'm always trying to be better. I noticed that most of your post dealt with lies in interpersonal relationships such as friends and lovers. When I was younger, late teens, early twenties, I had a friend who was always giving me love advice from magazines and dating experts. Thinking back on it, it was terrible advice. As you said, you pretend you're mr. or mrs. awesome with everything going for you, with this fake positivity and love of life. Then you have to try to keep up that image day after day and eventually you'll break down. It's even worse if both of you are doing it and things just get weird. Your friends and lover should be places of rest, where you feel comfortable being you -- not a place where you have to constantly put on a fake front. I sometimes think we lie as much as we do because people can be so judgemental. It's scary letting people know your religious views, especially in the U.S., where I live. Political views can be the same way. There are people who are accepting and create an environment where a person can feel comfortable being open about their opinions, but in my experience, such people are rare. Just having a blog out there can be a scary thing. People start judging you and will treat you differently. Speaking on that same topic, I think you have to be aware of people's intellectual level. I've met people who are maybe just getting into something for the first time and say something really dumb. If I see they're making efforts to educate themselves, and learn new things, if they have some bad opinions, I'll try to very gently guide them in the right direction. It's a terrible thing to crush a person when they're struggling to have the confidence to give their opinions in the first place. It all comes down to making them feel welcome and a part of the conversation. My ability to do this can be limited though. And just for the record, I can say that almost every time I've lied in the past, I've later come to regret it. |
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29-12-2012
I won't always tell what I'm thinking unless I have a very well thought out opinion on the matter. You can always say 'I don't have a strong opinion on the matter'. I realized this relatively recently that an unfounded opinion is often worse than no opinion. I used to think I have one on almost every question. haha. well, good thing I grew out of it gradually.
Well, yeah, and we identify with our set of opinions so much. They become part of what we call our personality, so when someone disagrees we feel our identity is being questioned. Some people are more successful at separating their opinions from themselves. Ok, tough topic ahead...what's 'self' etc... I'm outta here! |
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01-01-2013 But what about the age old question men dread to hear:Does this great new dress make me look fat? |
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02-01-2013
Guess it depends on what he is prepared to hear from her about his flabby muscles and a growing bold spot on his head. I mentioned this entry isn't about 'white lie', but since you sort of brought it up I'm gonna have to say there is a place for it. When you say to your loved one 'you look great' the message is 'i love you the way you are and i will lie to you if you need me to'. |
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01-01-2013 Somebody's sprung a trap!This might be a good time to take Irina's advice. "I don't have a strong opinion on the matter." |
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02-01-2013 The 'dress makes me look fat' conundrum is an interesting one.I used to view a positive answer to a fat woman as a lie. Now I don't. Here's why: She is asking if the dress makes her look fat to you, the observer whom she loves; not to an objective random audience. The real question underneath the question is: 'Do you love me?' To which the rejoinder is positive if the love is true. Love and care actually makes any person look beautiful, truly gorgeous. That bonding and seeing deep inside someone always reveals an enormous amount of beauty that no one else can really see. So I'm of the school of thought now that it is not a lie if you actually can't see the 'fat' from your perspective. She is asking where you stand, and what your truth is from what you feel - not some cold 'objective' truth. |
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02-01-2013 I totally agree with you, John. Love (and its inevitable consequence: care) is a most magic thing indeed... for instance, it can make you "blind" (and deaf, and dumb, and..), I love it! (mainly because it makes me CARE about other people ::wink.gif:: |
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02-03-2013 On the topic of white lies, you should REALLY read "Lying" by Sam Harris. It's a very short e-book, can be read in 30 minutes. |
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04-03-2013 Also, I\'m really loving your blog. Came across it almost by chance. I hope you keep updating it. |
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