Not fond of lying

In this post, I'm going to talk about lies within interpersonal relations leaving aside misinformation in business sphere.

I was prompted to write on the topic by the recent remark of my friend who said 'Why I like you is that I know you will always tell me the truth, and there are not many honest people around'.

I've heard this before. And it's 99% true  Nobody is honest 100% of the time. But the general predisposition to bullshit people and the percentage of lies a person tells is what differentiates us.

It wouldn't be right to say that I 'try to be honest' all the time if possible because frankly, it takes more effort for me to lie than to be honest, I've been brought up this way. Of course, lots of things in my upbringing that I didn't like I've changed, but this trait I sort of enjoy and it brings me more benefits than troubles. ...Well...mostly))

I've been told by many people I've met that I'm unusually open, blunt and sincere. And I've noticed the majority tend to like it and wish there were more people behaving in a similar way. Well, the way to prompt people to behave more honestly is to show an example. People mimic each other (we're primates after all ). Also, we do tend to treat others the way they treat us thus many people will try to reciprocate with the same attitude. Although some won't be able to maintain this way of behavior as they've spent most of their lives playing and pretending and it's such an old habit that it's hard to give it up even if they wanted to.

Such people I just leave outside of my friends circle. They may be nice persons, but if they are caught up in the 'pretend to be someone I'm not' game they're just boring to be around. I mean, when I want to see some acting I'll just put on a  good movie.

What I'm talking about here is the kind of untruths people tell in order to create/maintain a positive image of themselves. We see it all around: from your regular narcissists to almost everybody else, really. In a way, we're all worried about our ego and how others see us. I am, too, I won't deny it, but I'm just cleverly trying to present my weaknesses as strengh and it's mostly working!))) But that's the core difference: people who realize their flaws and are able to laugh at them and still feel worthy are much more fun than the cohort of worried tensed fake personalities who're desperately trying to radiate 'I'm great and I know it' and in fact look ridiculous and pitiful to people like me. I had to qualify that with 'to people like me' because they do have their worshippers perhaps widely comprised of those like themselves and dependent personalities (and teenagers). Well, as long as they enjoy it it's fine, I'm just saying such people and their lack of self-reflection (and maybe deep thinking as such) bore me and I don't want them in my life, that's all.

The need to appear much better (from the socially-conditioned popular point of view) than one really is: much more successful (sometimes guilty), clever (sometimes/often/whatever guilty), witty (often guilty), beautiful (often guilty) is probably one of the prevalent reasons why we lie. A discrepancy between our ideal self and our real self.

Another powerful motivator is an inability to maintain personal boundaries, e.g. to say 'no' (or 'GFY' ). People who feel compelled to be nice to everyone will be forced to lie more often to get out of the inconvenient situations and invent excuses where a more confident person will just say an honest 'no' to manipulation attempts.

Being friends with such people is a pain in the ass. They always have somebody wanting some favors from them and the poor nice guy is always putting their own life on pause to go deal with other peoples' problems, people who often aren't even their friends, but friends of friends of distant cousins. And they come to you and complain 'i have this errand to run for that person, damn, how do i get out of this, what can i tell them, maybe you can help me'. And sometimes they lie to you you, too. Just because it's their second nature already. They think nobody can handle a rejection. When it's just that they can't deal with the thought someone isn't happy with them. Sad. Psychotherapy can help though.

Of course, yet another motivator for lying is simply manipulation. A deliberate strategy to get what one wants by way of deception. A man lies about having a huge house and three cars, a woman lies about being with only one man before - her late husband. Well...what can I say here...such people deserve one another. If you conciously deceive another person you don't get to complain about being deceived. Prepare yourself for the competition of who 'overbullshits' the other. Have fun, guys! I like to watch movies about people like you ))

I'm not going to touch upon 'white lie'. I mean, sometimes it's annoying you're expected to tell it on many occasions ('oh yes, what a beautiful painting, you're so talented...where's the bathroom btw?'), but oftentimes it's nice that you can use it to avoid hurting somebody's feelings or to lift their spirit. If someone considers this kind of lie to be a problem, I still suggest we get our priorities straight: why worrying about harmless, well-intended bullshit when there's so much of malicious lies around.

In everyday interpersonal communication with my acquaintances, new people I meet I tend to tell the truth (nothing but the truth so help me ...) for at least 2 concious reasons that I'm aware of (hey, when you're a psychologist you're often doubting your own motivations as well):

- I'm lazy and hate to remember useless junk, like some stupid misinformation you've made up for this or that person. Screw that, who are they to make me go into the trouble of straining my neurons which I prefer to use for philosophical musings instead.

- It's quite pleasing to be yourself and not have to pretend. It's like you're relaxed all the time. You actually feel that you're living, you exist, the real you, not some charachter you have to play.

- You immediately know whether this person will be your friend or not, you see whether they like you or not. Why would you want a bunch of friends who are with you only because you've successfully concealed your true personality?

- I like to see how people will react to me speaking my mind, especially when I say something that's usually swept under the rug. Round eyes - that's funny)) And so easy to cause just by saying the truth that many people suspect anyway.

Well, finally, to the male-female relationships. Such a weird playground... It's often so freaking fake top to bottom it's disgusting to watch. He reads magazine articles on how to impress a woman and she reads about what men expect from them, both of them try to play a role and pretend to be something that 'sells' today so that they can build a relationship where neither of them feels fulfilled. Later there will be suspicions and accusations and reading each other's emails and smses. A dream come true!

Then some of those couples come to psychologist and ask 'what's wrong with our relationship'. But what's right with it? If you wanted to create an atmosphere of trust and understanding and acceptance and support maybe you should've listened to each other and told the truth to one another instead of playing games.

I was like that when I was 15. Worrying about what the guy might think of me if I do this or say that. Will I come up too vulnerable if I talk about my feelings, should I call him first, and if I'm offended should I show that or hide my true feelings etc, etc... But I see people in their 30ies behaving same way. Wasting their lives trying to 'create the right impression'. But you can't create an impression of a self-reliant interesting personality if you're not one. Such fake impression will quickly fall apart like a house of cards. You have to become the impression you want to create :)

Today I just think life's too complicated and full of bullshit as it is to be making space for a relationship full of fairy-tales. And I'm not saying there should be no secrets. Everyone has something they might be uncomfortable of sharing, or uncomfortable of sharing at a certain point. It's just that there's a difference in saying 'I can't tell you that' and telling a lie. Then the other person is free to decide whether they're comfortable with that thing not being shared with them. That's already a great level of intimacy. And if intimacy is what we crave in our lives then that's what we should be trying to build.

Almost forgot! The concern over who lies to you and when. Many people seem to be obsessed with learning some techniques to spot lies. 'Look, his nose twitched! Liar!' I understand the use of that in business (if someone is really good at that) but outside of that I don't think this should be so important. Just be honest yourself. You'll see how that stimulates others to be the same way with you. And what are you afraid of anyway? If you're constantly doubting your friend's or spouse's sincerity, then your relationship isn't good enough already, is it? Isn't that something to worry about in the first place?

I don't consider myself a lie-detector, though maybe I'm quite good at it, but maybe not. But what I care about is how I feel in a relationship. If it's going great - then there's no problem. If my friend/boyfriend deceives me and I find out - I'll deal with it then. To be afraid of it only because it can cause pain? But everything can. Intimate relationships are a guarantee that some day in some way you're going to get hurt, because you care.